Writer, Editor, Stand-Up Comedian

Terror from the skies…!

Posted: August 20th, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Editorial | Tags: , | 2 Comments »

I want to start a Society for the Extinction of Bats.

Yup, you read that right.


As in, “Population: Zero.”

I know everybody is all into conservation and all that. Whoever wants to conserve bats never had a couple of them living in their house.

Well, to be fair to the bats–a big one and a little one; we call the big one Chester, ’cause he’s like a member of the family now, a hated, feared, avoided member of the family–they were here first. My new apartment spent many years as the semi-abandoned unfinished apartment under a family home. The backyard is the forest, so it’s no surprise that all manner of forest creatures, including a colony of fruit bats, made this their digs.

Nevertheless, when construction started up for us to move in, most of the charming previous residents moved out.

All except Chester and his little furry paramour. Chester seems to resent my presence here, I swear. Why else would he be going out of his way to terrorise me at night? Even as I write this I’m ducking and screaming as he zooms around between the kitchen and the bathroom, the two darkest areas of the house.

My ten-year-old daughter reassures me regularly that Chester won’t hurt me. And my friend Gab echoed her in saying, quite rightly, that unless I look like a giant fruit, Chester won’t be interested in biting me. Still. Have you ever come face to face with a small, furry animal hurtling towards you at eight miles an hour? Yeah. It’s like that. No night-time pee-er is safe. I won’t get out of bed for a glass of water anymore. My own kitchen scares me.

The neighbours recommended incense. Annie recommended loud dancehall music. Sharon recommended putting up foil strips. They worked for a while, sorta. Now I think they just piss him off more. There’s bat poop on some of the foil. As if to say, “Here’s what I think of your little traps, Ma’am!” Gab has recommended moth balls. I’m going to get some. And a bat. A baseball bat. One small volley for Chester, a giant relief for Lisa.

2 Comments on “Terror from the skies…!”

  1. 1 Sasha Mohammed said at 2:11 pm on September 28th, 2010:

    You got me to comment on this one and I usually keep my thoughts to myself:) Anyway, I remember once arguing (friendly) with an atheist about why I would keep religions around come the revolution and I had two points on Catholism. Yes, it is the source if you wish of all socio-political scourges like sexism etc in the world and recently had its dabbling with pedaephilia. But for God’s sake it gave us the Exorcist. The Movie and the Book. Singlehandedly responsible for fuelling my artistic appreciation for a great book and a damn good horror. My point? Without bats we would not have Batman. In all incarnations and the world will truly not have been the same.

  2. 2 lise said at 5:14 am on October 1st, 2010:

    yeah i love batman. pity about the whole bat thing, there, that the greatest superhero EVER is named after the animal i loathe.

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